hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize