Jerry, you need to find god
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
