fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
