you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
