I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
