Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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