and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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