I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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