this boner is exhausting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You need a sexual gate keeper
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Randomize
