it's like iHOP with fire
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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