I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
