just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
farters have to be the big spoon...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
