Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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