everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
