you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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