That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
