Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
