I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
