The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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