i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
