I want to walk on stilts...naked
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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