there's paper in my vomit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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