Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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