i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
