Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
