So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
