Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
