Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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