i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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