thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
