I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
