Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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