hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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