I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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