Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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