I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
