i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
