Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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