thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
