it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Randomize