She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
