And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
