oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
