so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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