for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
