I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
