A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
