i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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