Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
