I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
