Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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