is your mom at the bar?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
