I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
