What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize