I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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