I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
