I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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