He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
