last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize