just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
